The post Bedtime story for survivors of rape. appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

Asking for the help from a friend, family, member, Or even co. worker, can be a daunting task. Being rejected In our time of need can feel so personal. Especially, If we have to somehow reveal our past to tell this person why we need their assistance.

I have found I had to understand, what I needed help with. This is problem. not knowing what needs improvement, or recognizing , our fears, or our poor actions is natural to do.  So when we have extreme moments of fear, anger, and yes sometimes even when we are happy. We must find a way to  recognize what needs tweaking. wright a list of your responsibilities, make specific categories to your life. Taking care of yourself, would be a wonderful start. we cant help anyone if we can’t help ourselves.

Examples for taking care of your self are as followed: taking medications, bathing, controlling your pain, and actions. Sadly, we can’t give the responsibility of controlling our actions away. a few other categories can be, Home Life, School Life, Church Life, and even intimate romantic Life. Add as many categories as possible. This will map life out, making your path clearer. When, looking over all of the responsibilities. See what you need help with.Which task are unbearable? Could the task be a two person job? . than, write next to each responsibility your name, or a name from the people in your support system that best can help. . when asking your support system of family friends and professionals if they can lighten the load. remember This saying, ” closed mouths don’t get fed”. This Is so true! No one can help if they don’t know, and sadly, assuming the people that truly love you should know, never works. However, what we can we do when The answer to our request is no? what happens if we get a negative response?

If the answer is no, we can not get mad. we need to expect this answer, and be prepared with a back up plan. An emergency for us, may not be an emergency for someone else! this person may have their own list, and worries. We can not expect help. However, asking for it is necessary to relive the stress that comes with the attack, and even just everyday life.

However, what can happen If we receive a negative response? recollect. walk away, and analyze the situation. Ask yourself: was this a product of bad timing? a good way to avoid a bad timing moment, remember, before asking for the favor, inquire If this person is able to talk right now or in a few minutes.Other questions can be helpful to ask this person, before the request is made. Why not ask, how has your day been? This may be helpful for us to not only see their mood, but additionally, its just plain curious behavior. Why should someone help us If we don’t show a willingness to help them. Asking thought full questions about others are important to the relationships in your support system and life. We have to not only understand them, But also, understand their boundaries too. Knowing our own boundaries are also essential.

Boundaries are needed when we go through such a trauma. list places, actions, situations, trigger objects, or even people we would like to stay clear from. First, see if avoiding this is necessary for your safety, or does this cause the feeling of being uncomfortable? Can you and your support system help work on slowly integrating this back into your life If this can not cause physical harm? Going out to the store should not be a problem for us. Of course, that dark ally in the bad side of town, were you hear gun shots daily.  is a situation that will put you at risk, Having a certain amount of fear is good. We know first hand how the world can be cruel. This Knowledge is necessary, however, won”t always prevent an another attack. we still have a 50/50 chance of being hurt again. Its a cruel statistic that survivors have a higher rate of being revictimized.  Why? Well, it may because of various reasons. However, for me I believe that my power was taken and the asshatts obviously could tell I was injured.

Because of the attack, I felt as if my power to say no was hindered. As a phlebotomist, traveling to various nursing homes, I had an elderly man give me a hug.  I was uncomfortable with this however froze.  He was only wearing his underwear. And sadly no, He was not suffering from senility, and was notorious for inappropriate behavior. At that moment I didn’t realize I had the power to say, “NO!”, to protect myself from unleashing flashbacks, and my triggering nature. my attackers took much of my strength to stand up for my personal space away. I didn’t say no I was just stunned, and thrown into a trigger moment. The lesson is to know your boundaries and don’t feel ashamed for your feelings! Practice saying no. we must be ready to make others aware of our boundaries and know them ourselves to avoid situations that could trigger us or even hut us again.

Know that personal time is important and your personal time is yours. Have this everyday even if its only for 15 minutes. Also boundaries such as, touching and hugging can be hard for us. Request a fist bump. It’s not as intrusive. this is not strange, feeling as if your personal bubble has grown larger. The boundaries you set should be unique to you. And knowing them will help you relive unwanted stress. Help others and Teach people how to treat you.

We don’t come with instruction manuals on our back. So how could people know if your boundaries were being crossed? In the military It took me a while to find my boundaries.  As a young, immature, soldier wanting to fit in the army. One could let their profession slip and say a dirty joke.  I would at times, add to the dirty joke or make one of my own. Professionalism in the work force is needed. One may not realize allowing, seemingly harmless raunchy jokes can lead to a false security and lead to inappropriate behaviors. An inappropriate joke could also offend others around me. People could over hear and technically they can form a complaint. In any work environment this can be legally sexual harassment. Morel to the story, stick to dad jokes, and stay away from raunchy behavior.

I had set only one boundary in the beginning. This boundary seemed an obvious one, I set a no touching rule. A back pat, to say good job was allowed, However never while I worked. I realized letting them say whatever, only encouraged unprofessional behavior, Sadly, a guy thought it was OK to grab my butt. He knew my rule. Tho, the crude jokes may have led him to believe this behavior at that time was OK. It was not my fault that he knowingly crossed a line into sexual assault by grabbing my butt. However, I do believe the situation could have been avoided If I added a few more boundaries to help us all stay more professional. I realized in the work place it’s better to have respect, and professionalism than to just be a comical person. I forgave this soldier and was able to save the friendship. however, setting strict boundaries, and sticking to them. became much more important to me as time went on.

Michelle McMaster

The post Help me! How to tell People you Need Help, And keep Boundaries appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

This was weird but I found myself using sex as a way of getting the feeling of my attacker out of my body. meaning I would have sex so that I could in my mind replace that horrible experience. However no matter how many times I tried to use sex as a cleansing/ sick control experience. I would just feel worse about my self. I was not making true connections, I wasn’t ready for Love. I didn’t love myself.

After realizing this was not helping. I came up with my own cleansing experience.

I in my own special way I did a sort of baptism, you find your own special way! I would take a shower and pray to be cleansed. than clean my self from my head to toe. after a bit I would than dry off with a white bed sheet. Wrapping my self in the sheet I would lay in the sun ( sun light through the window). there I would pray and meditate some more, until I went to sleep. this made me feel better for a bit, however I had to do it a few times, and I’m sure I will do it again if times get hard. This was the healthier option to getting that dirty feeling off of me. I grew from a unhealthy way to a way that not only gets me closer to my god, but closer to loving my self. and that is priceless

Michelle McMaster

The post Purifing Yourself, a Cleansing Experiance. appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

http://www.pof.com/  This gave me a range of dates. I also could figure out what I liked and didn’t like.  Having, the supervision of a dear friend who was 60 helped me. She held my hand in many ways as my broken soul explored the dating world. Other avenues can Be: coffee shops, concerts, specialty clubs: running, art, music, community, etc. even grocery stores.

Pick up lines that might work…. Hello my name is…. How are you. yeah it’s not rocket science.

Pick up lines that might not work:

I lost my number may I have yours?

Did it hurt?…. when you fell from heaven?

is your dad a baker? Because you have nice buns.

Is your dad a butcher? Because you have nice hams.

Are you Australian? because you meet all my koalafications.

Hey baby, how about you and me play house? I’ll be the screen door and you can slam me all night long.

There is a 50/50 chances you may get pepper sprayed on that last one.

Please when dating in any situation Have a trusted friend who will know where and who you are with. I would first tell them all about the guy, and my friend would give me her opinion. After I and my friend screened him, I would agree to meet him in a public place. Always take your own car/ transportation. This may sound like over kill, however, I would also take pictures of the guy, his car, etc, and send updates to my friend. trust your gut feeling.

if you get a funny feeling in your gut trust it. Rejection, is not to be feared. When you love yourself, there are no worries of rejection. Truly it’s their loss. Yes, I had guys hang up on me, stand me up, and make me feel not worthy, thank goodness for the support of my older friend. Each rejection made me stronger. The world did not end and I could see myself developing self confidence.

Love is a verb, you will not only feel it you will see it, hear it, and yes smell it.  you may ask smell it? yes smell it. If you like the body odder of your partner this means your immune systems matches and that you can make a healthier babies.  Yes strange I know, however it’s a biological response. THAT’S SCIENCE SUCKAS  besides his stink, and actions do speak louder then empty words.

If it’s true love he/she will find time for you. They should make a effort for you and vice versa.  There should be no waiting for days to hear from them.

The first time my friend met her husband she gave him her phone number.  He told her that he had no phone.

She simply said, ” You will find away.”

Guess what?  He bought him self a phone and called her the next day! This is what I mean by love is a verb. Actions speak louder than words. It will not always be easy, relationships take work and patience.

the best way to stay in love is act in love, meaning when married for 30 years in a non abusive relationship, you must act in love at times to keep the peace and regain your true love feelings.

My mother told me there are actually times when she is so frustrated with my dad that it feels like hate. But as her anger subsides the love is there,and she can find a way to regain it. Again, Love is not always easy but it’s worth it.  It’s proven people live longer if they have good social relationships.

Intimacy Test

Can you show anything about yourself, including your deepest thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding? ________

Is the message of your relationship, “grow, expand, create, show, show?” Or is it, “hide, conceal, think only in certain ways, behave only in certain ways, feel only certain things?”

Grow___ Hide ___

Does this relationship offer both parties ideal growth? ___

Can you both develop into the greatest persons you can be? ___

Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from his? ___

Does he respect those differences? ___

Does he cherish you despite them? ___

Does he accept your differences without trying to change you? ___

Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from yours? ___

Can you respect those differences? ___

Can you cherish your partner despite them? ___

Can you accept them without trying to change them? ___

Michelle McMaster

The post Real Love, is it an Illusion? appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

It’s important to remember that these may help you, but they will not prevent all rapes. a rapist will target their victim, and in many cases no matter what the precautions are a rapist will find a way around it. It is never your fault! even if you did not follow theses suggestions. Rape is a premeditated crime. This means your trapped before you even know it.

Through a rapist’s eyes! A group of predatory rapists, in prison were interviewed. what they look for in a potential victim? Here are various answers given.

1] firstly, predators look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They like to go after a victim wearing a ponytail, bun , braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. The predators are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] secondly, predators look for, in a victim is clothing. They will look for clothing that is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] Predators also look for victims using their cell phone, searching through their bags, or doing other activities while walking the potential victim is off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place people are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two are office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three are public restrooms.

7] The nature of the predators are that they are looking to grab a victim, and quickly move them to a second location. This is so, they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If one puts up any kind of a fight at all, they may get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming. If one can deter the attacker from taking them to a second location, do it!

9] These predators said they would not target victims who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these predators you’re not worth it.

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1] If someone is following behind you, on a street, in a garage, with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question. Examples are: what time is it? Make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry a taser. Holding it out and using it can be a deterrent. however, if they are wearing thicker clothes. The tasers may not be strong enough.

4] If someone grabs the waist, and one can’t beat them with strength, we can do it by outsmarting them. If the waistline is grabbed, pinch the predator either under the arm between the elbow, and armpit or in the upper inner thigh – HARD! A woman in a situation used the groin pinch on a predator who was trying to rape her. He was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit to the throat always go for the groin. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of
trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked
audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, and go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the person really was trouble.

Here are some more tips: remember rape is about control and is never your fault!

1. Tip from My Army Training: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS, LEAVE!

A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side, peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB).

b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most predators attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a Suspicious person is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard /policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

Yes, this is twisted. Those narcissistic people think this way. However, they do. Remember, this is a premeditated crime. If you can’t avoid the attacker. Its fully understood!

The post A Twisted Mind. Through the Eyes of a Rapist. appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

Your answer to these questions will help so many!
Michelle McMaster

The post Polls of Questions We all Want Answered. appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

There are Physical and mental symptoms one may go through, and not everyone experiences all the symptoms.

Physical symptoms may include sharp pains in the stomach that move all around the abdomen. PTSD can also cause constipation, or even diarrhea. Stress can cause the immune system to weaken, and the heart to work harder. this can cause High blood pressure. staying relaxed and reducing stress is just healthy for anyone, no matter what one’s mental condition is.
Mental Symptoms can be categorized in three groups. re-experience, avoidance, and Hyper arousal. All three can come and go and can happen at any stage of healing.
Re-experiencing symptoms are the feelings of flashbacks, frightening thoughts, and bad dreams and flashbacks. all these can make one feel as if they are going through the attack again. Flashbacks can be so severe that you may smell, feel, taste, or even hear things that remind the survivor of the attack. They can be vary disturbing. With time it’s not as scary and can eventually, be a worthless thought.
Frightening thoughts are scary yet not as severe as flashbacks. again with time they become less scary.
Bad Dreams can be vary real and frightening.

I usually required a friend or family member to calm me down. However before I would go back and redo the dream. Have it going your way. this is mostly so you can learn that you can change your dreams to your advantage. it takes practice, but can be done.
These symptoms can be treated and eventually in a way cured! Never forgotten but less scary. Never give up that hope, or you are defeated already! And be kind to your self I had to realize it’s one step forward two steps back. the trick is pushing forward again. Drive on!

Michelle McMaster

The post Emotions that don’t make Sense! The Symptoms after an Attack. appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

It’s strange how self affirmations work.  at first you may not believe them, which in turns can become a negative.  It may remind your self that you don’t feel that way. It’s strange, however, natural to feel this way.  “Why does praise make me feel worse?” this is because in your heart of hearts you don’t believe it.

In my elementary school, I remember going to the school counselor and she made me hold Q bear. This was a stuff bear with the letter Q stitched on him.  Don’t ask me what it stood for. However, she made me repeat  “You are special and important. I was not ready at that time to hear that.  so all it did was made me feel worse. Why? didn’t I accept this cookie cutter Affirmation? As you have answered yourself. I didn’t believe it. Now, if she knew me she would have had me repeat. “You are creative, a protector of the less fortune, you’re a good friend.  I could have believed that, and like a seed  let it grow into the idea of being special and important.   When you make your affirmations believe  them. Know it!.  Post it anywhere and everywhere.  Make a mantra and love it, because it’s special to you!

One fun way of making and affirmation come true is make it a login password along with a number,  some days you’ll feel it and some days you won’t however with the repeated repetition you will believe it! if not change it. Never have a password that brings up bad feelings. Just a tip.

“The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively. =Bob Marley

“In life, finding a voice is speaking and living the truth.  Each of you is an original.  Each of you has a distinctive voice.  When you find it, your story will be told.  You will be heard.”   ―     John Grisham

For every minute you stay angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of  mind.

–‘Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is not length of life, but depth of life.

—  Ralph  Waldo Emerson

Michelle McMaster

The post Self Affirmations Not self-defeating. Do it right! appeared first on Mind Body Soul Survivor.

A victim is that person who has been in a position from where survival became impossible under the trap, whereas survivor is that person WHO MADE IT THROUGH THAT TOUGH TIME AND STILL STANDING HERE TALL WITH US. Most of us have come down in positions of life where we felt like something is dragging us at our past and never letting us walk away, but in reality with every step you walking far away from that heart breaking moment in your life that nearly shook you to all extents. Getting bullied in school , facing an tremendous disastrous accident or being abused/ raped all these incidents generally which can be classified under PTSD , always have chances to make you feel like a victim. You might spend hours asking yourself why always me. You might spend your days hiding yourself or isolating your beautiful soul away from this world. But you forget 1 small thing at least you hear today with us which makes you a person who ” SURVIVED AND WON THE BATTLE”

Remember it always that you still have a chance , you still have a chance to see a better sunrise tomorrow, you still have a chance to see another solar eclipse you still have a chance to get the man/woman of your life and spend your life with him/her, Nothing is lost its all there with you these all are the smallest gifts that life has given you to be a ” SURVIVOR INSTEAD OF BEING A VICTIM” think about those for a moment who has lost their lives in a brutal war, think about those who got bullied and ended their lives they can be said the ones who are victims because they missed the CHANCE TO LIVE THAT YOU STILL HAVE IN YOUR HANDS. they missed the chance TO DECORATE THEIR LIVES THE WAY THEY WANTED IT TO BE. Maybe you have faced a set back i agree maybe tough bullying have made you lose your self esteem maybe a abuse has made you feel like you can never be with someone, but you have never lost the chance to step back and make it better The future remains unknown forever but atleast when there is hope there is a win for sure

YOU ARE NEVER EVER A VICTIM. think about it for ones , has anything in life stopped forever?? you still LAUGH WHEN SOMEONE CRACKS A JOKE , YOU STILL TAKE A BREATH WHEN YOU SEE YOUR CRUSH, YOU STILL SMILE LICKING YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM, YOU STILL DROP A TEAR FROM YOUR EYES WHEN YOU HEAR A BAD NEWS, YOU STILL FEEL LIKE YOUR FEET SHOULD DANCE IN THE MUSIC, YOU STILL LOVE SEEING YOUR TEAM WIN, YOU STILL LOVE TO SNUGGLE AND SLEEP WITH YOUR LOVE. SO HAS ANYTHING ACTUALLY CHANGED IN YOUR LIFE ?? THAT YOU HAVE TO CONSIDER YOURSELF AS A VICTIM??

yes maybe you lost a part of your self confidence, yes maybe you start panicking a bit now maybe you are bit afraid now of new situations but believe me the MAJOR PART OF YOUR LIFE IS STILL THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED , WHAT HAS CHANGED IS ONLY YOUR PERCEPTION ON YOURSELF IN WHICH NOW YOU DONT WANT TO RESPECT AND LOVE YOURSELF WHEN YOU COMPLETELY DESERVE TO DO IT YOU DESERVE TO SOMEDAY STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND SALUTE THE PERSON YOU SEE THERE BECAUSE THAT PERSON HAS WALKED THROUGH THE VALLEYS OF DEAD WITHOUT BEING SCARED EVEN FOR A SECOND .

WE all have some stories inside my dear friends which is a source of inspiration to others that is why you are not a victim, but a influential person who has influenced many to stay alive and be courageous to speak out. be proud of yourself to be a survivor a proud survivor.

Victor

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